Parenting adult children – Building bridges.

How do you shift gear from being a parent of a teenager to being a friend to your adult child?

How do you get out of “parent mode” and into “friend mode.”? Of course, you will always be your child’s parent, but the relationship definitely shifts once they hit adulthood.

Advice for parents of adult children seems unnecessary. They are your children, after all, and the relationship will always be that, right? WRONG. Someone once said, “When your children were little you could just eat them up. When they become teenagers, you wish you had.”

Let me tell you that the third stage—adulthood—is one reason why you don’t want to eat your teenager! They do grow out of the rebellious teen years and actually become interesting people. But we have to let them.

In this day and time, “parenting” adult children is not actually parenting. It is discovering that your child is an adult and your friend.

This stage is nothing to fear if you view it as a new, exciting chapter with lots of possibilities. As the mother of two adult kids I can safely say it is a beautiful chapter in the lives of both the parent and the kids. It takes a lot of growing on the part of the parents. A whole lot of growing. Only if you grow with them and understand them can you cross the bridge from being a parent to becoming a friend.

There are a lot of terms for parents today: helicopter, lawnmower, bulldozer, etc. The parenting adult children phase actually starts before they are adults.

Helicopter parents hover and are constantly making sure that their children are protected. So much so, that they can’t handle it when things go wrong.  Their parents never let anything go wrong!

Bulldozer and lawnmower parents are always there to smooth the path in front of their children. So when these young people become adults, they truly have no coping skills and must continue to rely on mom and dad.

The one job as parents is to prepare your children to leave and to be able to live and rely on their own abilities.

There are many ways of building that bridge between you and your adult kids.

Recognise and respect your differences.  There’s no time like the present to accept and celebrate the uniqueness of your child. You may not always agree with their life choices, but as their independence grows, find joy in connecting without conflict.

DO: Communicate with your adult children like they are adults.

DON’T: Say things that you would not say to a friend like – Have you gained weight? How can you live like this? etc.

Share your wisdom and insight without being critical. If you’re sharing wisdom, do so with grace and sensitivity. This is one of the many challenges in parenting adult children, but it is also a strong way to build a bond of understanding and empathy with them as well. Learn how they communicate.

DO: Trust your children to make wise decisions. If you have been there guiding them and teaching them, then they are prepared to make those decisions.

DON’T: Give advice unless asked for it!

Do things you love together. If you loved shopping with your daughter or long drives with your son, there’s no reason to stop now. Maybe this is a time to discover new things you both love. Whatever traditions, hobbies, or activities appeal to you and your adult child, commit to enjoying them together on a regular basis.

DON’T: Treat them like a child!

DO: Make memories with them and make the time spent with them happy ones!

Make room for significant others in their lives. It may be hard to share your children with their significant others, but these relationships are an important stage in their path toward independence. Be open-minded and gracious as you meet this person and find ways to get to know them.

I think I can safely say, I have grown to love those special individuals in my children’s lives without bias. 🤔😁

Don’t: Tell them how to handle their relationships.

Do: Understand that sometimes they will choose to spend time with that person, rather than hang out with you. And that should be perfectly alright.

Be a sounding board for adult children. Create an atmosphere in which your children always feel like they can talk to you, Adult children will not always be asking for advice, but rather, just asking for a sounding board.

DON’T: Provoke your children to wrath! No matter the age of your child.

DO: Treat them with respect. They are adults. Enjoy your time with them as adults.

Make family meetings a regular occurrence. If you’ve fostered open communication throughout your child’s life, regular family meetings will feel much more natural. Regular family meetings allow a safe space for siblings and parents to share issues of concern, and to process things together. If any of your children live in different cities or countries, these meetings may be less frequent. make sure you make them memorable.

DO: Have a sense of humor. Inside family stories are the best. These are the jokes you share with each other that no one else understands. That is what makes a family!

As someone who has been on both ends of the spectrum:

DO: Love them for who they are and rejoice in the adult friend you now have!

And finally Do tell them you love them, every chance you get.

If you are able to evolve your relationship from parent to friend of your child, then everyone will be the better for it, especially when the grandchildren come along.

Which, by the way, is something else you don’t want to ask – “When are you going to give me a grandchild?” 😇

If you do have any advice for parents of adult children to add to this post, please feel free to share them in the comment section below.

10,518 Replies to “Parenting adult children – Building bridges.

  1. Am sure this is a lot of guidance and suggestions to many who would eventually read this post.

    There’s no doubt,in my opinion there isn’t a single other person who I personally know that could be as wonderful a parent as you have been and are. The number of other kids and adults who have learnt so much from you is amazing too. Besides your own kids you have been a parent, a friend and a wonderful sibling.

    Respect is the most important lesson you have taught many,which in its own way,can work out numerous types of relationships.
    Your posts make immense difference to many,am sure. Even if they don’t follow word for word it surely starts them thinking. 💞❤️❤️❤️💓💕🥰😘

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  2. Beautifully worded!! I have no advice to give coz I have not been a parent to a child of my own. Growing with my neice and nephew is like growing with kids of my own. I love them to bits and know and feel everything written up there. Nothing that I would disagree with. They do not belong to the century we grew up in and the way it was for us. Yes, if they are wrong they are told, but in a different way. The faster people with children in this age group understand this, (if not yet done,) the easier it will be. ❣❣❣

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  3. You have almost covered everything. This is something that every parents should know. By giving them they space, they actually come to you and share all they thoughts ., Good or bad. Loved reading it.

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  4. So well written Doma … all of this makes so much sense, since my older one has just entered adulthood and also all set to fly the nest. Praise God for children like them n parents like us as I must agree that communication is the key to a happy n healthy relationship.
    Thanks doma for sharing this topic as right now it’s the need of the hour .

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  5. Worth reading it. Good communication is very important. Almost everything is covered. All parents must n should read it.

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  6. Very well said Doma. One more topic I would want you to add is about financial handling. Most parents shy away from this topic as discussing about it is like tabboo. So many children falter due to the same. As parents we have to guide them initially as we have more experience then them. At young age if we give them the direction for the same it makes huge difference in later life and they become financially secure much earlier due to lead time. And enjoy life much more due to financial independence.
    Keep on blogging cheers.

  7. Beautifully written muma so proud of you..
    Someday I’ll have this printed out and stuck on a wall.. guess making little sticky notes, and pointers to follow all the points, but then again I guess I’d choose to just have you there to show me the ropes cause you mother have nailed it..
    Love you loads

  8. Well written as always Doma. Lots of guidelines for every parent reading this post. Yes, communication is the need of the hour. Loved it ❤

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